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Thursday, February 20, 2014

Why I stopped giving a fuck to society

Why I stopped giving a fuck to Society 
yeah that's you, judgmental asshole 




When was the last time someone called you a slut, because you posted a picture of yourself in your underwear - you felt comfortable in your skin, and you posted this picture on Facebook. 

When was the last time told you that you were a gone case, because you had piercings and tattoos and because of that, you would never find a job and you are stupid. 


***

When I was younger, like in primary school, I craved acceptance a lot. Perhaps because of certain personal stuff back then, or maybe because I was still finding out what I actually am, well back then I wanted to be accepted badly. By classmates, by teachers, by seniors and even to my parents' friends and acquaintances. I often felt I would never fit in because I wasn't good looking - my dad always gave me this ugly as hell hair cut and my mom made me wear clothes of her choice- which was crap. I remember once this stranger called me "di di" which is basically little brother in Chinese, and I felt horrible for weeks after that, mind you, I was still really young so things like that would affect a kid a lot; kept thinking if I looked ugly or do I look like a boy. 


Fast forward to secondary school, I was in Express stream in sec 1. I felt quite happy then. Unfortunately I dropped to normal acad in sec 2 and I got made fun of, bullied and teased by classmates and even sec 1 students. I felt so humiliated for most of the year. I became pretty much an introvert and dared not look anyone in the eye. I felt there was something wrong with me and that's why people treated and looked at me this way. I spent many nights crying at home hating myself. 

Fast forward a year again, I joined a gang. I guess I was still pretty much messed up. I got my first tattoo done and subsequently couldn't stop, I was addicted to how the ink would look on my skin, the buzz of getting tattooed and also basically I felt my tattoos would 'protect' me. It would be a facade, to tell people to back off and I'm not someone they can mess around with. And to my surprise, it actually did. People who bullied the shit out of me called me "Da jie" or "sister", people who made fun of me wanted to hang out with me now. My tattoos hid the person I actually was back then, shy, introvert, timid, quiet and mild tempered. 

Unfortunately I grew into the facade I put up. I begin to get into fights and I started to do really stupid things.  Everyone in school knew me, as the chao ah lian. The one who had to stick a plaster on her chest cuz her tattoo would show, the one who had to wear an arm sock on her hand and someone that should be avoided. The one who beat a guy in the school canteen and had gang connections. The one who had so many piercings and refused to take off no matter which teacher asked her to. 

What they didn't know was how humiliated I felt before when I was bullied, how much I cried before at night, they didn't know they despite the 'reputation' I had, deep down I was still the same. I was fun, easy to get along with and would never bully anyone unlike how I was bullied. I treasured people, and I've never liked to make someone feel bad about him/herself because I understand that feeling so well. 

I think it was when I was 17 or 18 and then I realized I shouldn't give a fuck what people think about me. 

Why should I show people that I'm not someone they should mess with. Why should they think that I'm a loser. Why should I have a gang to 'take care' of me. Why should I need to prove myself to anyone? 

And then I started planning for my future. But it was already too late, I did so badly for my O levels. Everyone said I should just quit studying and go be a waitress for life or something. 

Fast forward 3-4 years, right now I just finished my diploma. I'm doing another professional course late this year or next year. And after that I may do a law degree for self fulfillment and also to aid me in my career. 

I'm already building my career path, I know what I want to be (more or less) and I'm working towards it. I'm working for a company and a very competent boss and I hope I will gain much experience and knowledge from this job. I have an income of around 3k a month and I am looking at ways to increase it. I think it's not too bad for a chao ah lian is it not? 

And even then people still think I'm a delinquent, I'm someone who picks fights, parties all the time and gets wasted and probably get da bao-ed home. I'm someone who would make her parents so embarrassed of her. I'm someone who had 'no hope' as how a person told me before. I'm someone that is a waste of space. I'm someone that would probably end up doing nothing in life and never achieving anything. I'm someone that probably has no job, because who the hell would wanna hire me with those tattoos and no education, or so they thought. 



But I'm sorry, I'm not. I work hard, too fucking hard, anyone who knows me will know that I'm a hard worker. I try my best to contribute to society, and give to the less fortunate. I'm someone that can spend a whole day in bed in my pjs watching Korean dramas and crying and then finishing a book about politics. I'm someone that my dad is proud of, whom he has long conversations with, who wakes up early to prepare breakfast for me and massages my feet when I'm tired. I'm someone that can talk to my mom when I'm sad and need advise. I'm someone that never gives up no matter how tough it gets or how close I am to breaking down. I'm someone that constantly looks at ways to improve or fulfill my ways or my life. I'm someone that has more going on in her life than just clubbing and drinking every weekend. 

I'm someone that would one day, prove everyone that ever looked down on me wrong, not because I give a shit about these people, but because this is the person I want to be. 


This is my summarized journey of how I lived, and how I learnt not to give a fuck what people think, because no matter what you do or what you really are, you'd still get judged, people are still going to think I'm a chao ah lian or I'm a slut, bimbo, a 'gone-case' that has no more hope as compared to them. 

Learn that people will never stop putting you down, discouraging you, hurting you and laughing at you. 

And through that, build yourself up and grow emotionally, mentally and spiritually and you'd one day realize, people's opinions of you no longer matter, but how you view yourself is what really counts. 

And the next time before you start talking shit about someone, make sure you know a thing or two about her instead of passing your shallow, uncalled for sentence on the person. 

3 comments:

  1. This is a very inspiring post. Thanks for sharing your story.

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  2. I enjoyed reading this post! I'm so glad you're so much better off right now :') I used to be like you too, until I decided not to give a fuck to people that aren't important to me. I go by "Those who mind doesn't matter, those who matters doesn't mind". I hope that would be helpful for you as well!
    Cheers!

    -KY

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  3. I can finally add a comment on here! :) Thanks for sharing your story! It was a really brave thing to do and I am amazed how strong you've been through your entire ordeal. :) If you ever need to talk, I'm just here! ;)

    Love,
    Kal (you may know me better as prettycutequirky, hehe!)

    ReplyDelete